Honesty & Surrender
It's been a little while since I've written and a lot has happened, so to catch you up, here is an honest snippet about my journey of surrender...
I lay in my hospital bed, listening to the creaks and rhythms of the woman in the next bed. I put on my headphones to remove her from my senses and I was alone with the pitiful understanding that I was responsible for how i have come to be in this place. I understood in my drug induced state that I have been the author af all my successes and my undoings, including how I have reacted to them. The feelings that I have stored in my body, unaddressed, have brought me to this room, at this time. Contracting a gastro infection while in hospital, I was given the small mercy of having my own room and being separated from the ward.
From the isolation of my hospital room, untouched and disconnected, seriously deficient in sleep and in unbelievable pain, I turned on my ipod and listened to Loreena McKennit and suddenly understood how the universe worked, how everything in the cosmos was connected and all the solutions that were laid bare before me. It's highly likely that it was the massive dose of Ketamine that I was on to ease the pain of my spinal injury I have been recovering from, but I think it also had something to do with trying to find the answer for how I got here. Of course the following morning when I woke up I remembered none of the details being left only with the feeling of my "insight".
When I returned home, my ferments had taken on a life of their own and some had to be turfed. Those that could be ressurected were re-invigorated and left to recover. I had to learn to ask for help and be really sensible. Two months of sitting on my butt and netflixing my life away while I allow myself to heal had left me in a bit of a stupor. Weight has crept up as my appetite returned and my reflection has been drawn and grey. Pain'll do that to you I suppose. After many weeks of serious opiods, my body craved the nourishment of bone broths to start the healing of my gut. Fortunately there is always an abundance of sauerkraut and other fermented foods in our everyday life so it was easy to have this delicious food in every meal.
I am slowly recovering from my injury and am pushing hard through a deep reluctance to face my mortality. I've told people that I am grateful for the lesson, as there are truly moments when this is so, but on the whole I've been really frustrated, angry and perplexed. My life as I knew it had just stopped. That's the point though. Life had to stop for me to pay attention. When I had the injury, I was tired, overwhelmed and as usual, in a hurry. My injury, though a freak accident, happened when I wasn't paying attention and now here I am.
I am naturally a healer. I place all my healing intention into writing and teaching innovative and practical workshops. This aids people to help themselves and their families in their own homes. For a while I had lost sight of who I am and how I am. so I've stopped. Breathed. Cried. Connected. I'm slowly finding myself and loving who I am. I've always been here you see. Just a little lost in the midst of everything. This time has given me a real grasp of what should be next. One step at at time. Allowing myself to look in the mirror and ask - " If this was my last day on earth, is what I'm doing today worthy?
So, I've made a promise to myself. Only to myself. Every day as I put my feet on the floor, I ask myself two questions... "Can I be kind to myself today?" and "Can I make a difference?" Happily, so far, the answer has been, YES.
To be continued.....